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- Here I am once again, I'm torn into pieces... -
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Wednesday, January 18, 2006
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So the insomnia is back. And I thought I was over the constant mind wondering. Why can't I just be normal and able to shut down? I've been thinking a lot lately about how unhappy I am and the situation I'm allowing myself to stay in. I am in control over my own destiny. I control how others make me feel and damnit I deserve better than this. I realize something as I sit here unable to sleep for the fifth straight night...I'm a big LOSER. Yes I said it, there I got it out of my system. I will never get a dream job because people think I'm so over qualified for good things. Why? So because I'm over qualified you waist my time by asking me to waist a lunch to come down and interview. You see my resume, You see my CV, you know I'm driven to educate myself at every chance I get. I cannot apologize for that, I'll never apologize for that. I don't understand it. I should have known better when all she did was try to get me to say the minimum I would work for. I've never been in a job interview where all someone wanted to know was what I thought the least amount of money I would work for. I didn't play into that game. You gave me a range, I said that was good...why must you have a number. In my mind no amount of salary is enough. I'm a commodity and you should be lucky I even sent my resume in. Well ofcourse my feelings were hurt. It was a great starting job into a field I am interested in. It had potential and the ability to advance. I wouldn't be on the lower end of the totem pole anymore. I wouldn't be just an assistant anymore, I would have been someone's boss again. I like the ideal that I would only answer to one person versus the billion I answer to now. I hate having to ask permission for everything I do. I hate being micro managed. It just irks me beyond belief. It's what keeps me up at night. It's the reason I can't sleep right now. I hate being a LOSER. So yesterday was the last straw. To come home to that message. We loved you but you're just too over qualified for what we need. We can't take the risk of having to hire in another 6 months because you might leave for another position...Hello, look at my resume I rarely leave just because I hate going through this. I may be miserable everyday but I stay because the hell you know is better than the one you don't. Every job since I left being a quality evaluator has been downhill. I never hated going to work there. I loved it, I loved the people, I loved the work, I loved myself when I worked there. But it isn't what I want to do for the rest of my life. And the real turning point for me right now is the fact that I'm thinking about dropping a class that I really need just because it is so hard to get there on time due to work. I will not do that to myself. My education is much more important than dramaville. So here I am tonight writing my cover letter for the part time teaching assistant gig. Yeah that's going to most likely produce the same drama I'm currently in. You know what, I should just lower my standards even more and just go back to waiting tables. Wouldn't that be the biggest step back I could ever take. I'm still waiting for that guy out there to just marry me and put me out of my misery. Okay so I'm going to truly start to ramble on this subject. Feel free to stop reading now because everything that follows will be pure crap.
So here is the deal. I've decided that I don't care to marry for love anymore. I want to marry for convenience. I want a man who can just be my best friend and I have a lot in common with. So basically I've decided I want a roommate with tax right off status. Call me nuts but that's what I want. At this point, I'm pushing the envelope when it comes to meeting Mr. Right so I'm thinking Mr. Right now will do. I've seen people get married for that very reason. You know it's like the friends with benefits thing. You're not really in a relationship, but you do all the things that people do in a relationship. So I think this statement will probably drop me on the respect level of most of the guys I know, but I don't care. I've got the kid already so my biological clock isn't ticking anymore. Would I have another one if the man I marry wanted one, yes. Do I want another child, no. I think I lucked out with perfect once, why tempt fate. So I've decided that I'm not even going to look anymore for love, I'm just going to put myself out there and probably say yes to the first one that offers. So there that's my ramble for today. Just goes to show you what my mind thinks about when it get no sleep.
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3 Comments:
Well thanks my partner in crime. You and I both deserve to be wonderfully happy in what we do for a living. I don't really mean my random thoughts sometimes. It really was lack of sleep. I would never put my little man in jeapody of not being loved just because I don't really care to be sometimes.
Does the marriage for tax write off convenience involve sex or not?
Well what good would it be if I left out the good stuff :)
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