- Love & War - Wednesday, December 28, 2005 Have you ever wondered "What if"? At this point in my life I am, or should be fulfilled, but I'm not. I thought a lot lately about my life and my lack of happiness when it comes to the love department. Why am I at war with my personal life. My professional life is moving forward, my financial life is moving forward, and my fitness goals are moving forward. Unfortunately my love life is standing still. I've been listening to that song by Kelly Clarkson called "Because of You." This song pretty much personifies my life. My father pretty much molded the way I view men in my life and it's not good. He put himself and his pain before ours and abandoned me emotionally. I can never remember him telling me he loved me, or that he was proud of me. I only remember the criticisms, the standoff, and the not seeing me but once a week when we lived in same house together. My father was the man who took us from our mother in the divorce just for spite. When I was growing up, he would keep his door closed to his room in the far end of the house. This was a converted Den that had access to the kitchen, bathroom, carport, garage, and back yard. He pretty much never had to come to the other side of the house when he was home. So I would only see him once a week on Monday when he'd come and give me my lunch money for the week. I spent all my time in my room alone because I wasn't allowed to go out and visit friends. But who had friends anyway, I was pretty much a loner. Shut off from the world, I didn't really know how to be social. What role model did I have to be social. I didn't get to see my Mom because at the time she had put herself in an abusive relationship and Dad never showed me any love. Not to mention I had to wear clothes with holes in them and too little shoes because my Dad was too cheap to buy me anything new. This caused me to be ridiculed by everyone at school. So what friends could I have. Who could understand why I was so mean and hateful to the world, who could understand why I was expressionless and never showed the world my vulnerable side? I measured love and acceptance in money, and still do. The only time I saw him was when he was giving me my lunch money. The only time he had to see me was when money was involved. The only reason he wanted me was to not pay childsupport. All's fair in Love & War they say, but I don't see the fair in what was done to me. I can't give what was never given to me... Love. All I want is be able to emotionally give. To not measure my happiness in dollars. Why did I meet a man just like my father to be a father to my son? Why is it that when I get friends that are close to me, I shut them out and hate them for the little things that I think they have done to wrong me? Who will love this emotional wreck? Why do I believe that I'm not worth loving anyway? I wonder to myself if I'm going to stay alone forever. Even now I'm alone and rarely socialize with people. I still shut those who are amazing out of my life. I've dabbled in a relationship recently to try and put myself out there, but find that I am so absorbed in me, that I alienated him so much that he had to let me go. But truthfully, I let him go long before he figured it out that he just couldn't handle me. And I look back and can't really put all the blame on my son's father. I really wasn't able to realize that I was using him as a sergeant father figure. I can't hate him for my own mistakes in choosing him in the first place to be an important part of mine and my son's life. He walked out when he found out I was pregnant and never looked back simply because I refused to have an abortion. Did it make me selfish to want to give that baby a chance I never had? To be loved unconditionally by me. But he doesn't have a father to mold him into a man and that's what I hate giving to him. The same lack of love from his father that I have from mine. Will he grow up to be an emotional angry individual like me? I see it in him. The days when the world is his enemy. Why can't I get my crap together and give him what he needs, a father. And I wonder why I'm putting myself out here for the world to see my fears. I think it is because I'm ready to try and change. I want to be loved and to love back. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to be ashamed of my life because it's empty. I don't want my son to have to suffer for my shortcomings and choices. I figure if everyone I know, and don't know, can read this they will understand and be patient with me as I try to find my way. I've forgiven my father and realize he just didn't have it to give. I don't talk to him and that's partly because I don't want to be sucked into his world of selfhate. It keeps me from crying myself to sleep at night. I've forgiven my mother for her shortcomings as well and we have a close relationship now. So now, it's up to me to forgive the world and not blame them for my problems. Can I move forward? Can that special someone out there help me move forward? We shall see.

posted by Chris @ 6:57 AM 0 Comments: Post a Comment << Home