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- Crazy -
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Saturday, August 30, 2014
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I realized my lapse over the past 3 months was due to my reaction of one person. Once that one person left my life, I got my shit together. I'm sure if was a rebound over the previous one who pretty much took advantage of this girl. So I found similar to prove that I wasn't going to let Brent ruin my hopes at happiness and instead I let Brent continue to ruin my chance at loving myself by accepting what I knew I didn't want. Boredom was mostly my reason. I am bored a lot. I learned that I don't need saturdays to keep me sane. I can be sane with just me. I decided I would follow my heart and find a best friend. That one person who makes me smile and isn't a criminal. Actually has a degree and doesn't keep blaming me for all of the nice things I do for the man I'm with. He actually wants to be with me and enjoys the attention I give. I do love to be everything to someone. But guess what I'm everything to me and my boy. That's all I need. Realizing the rest is just icing on the cake. I am pretty much okay today. I realize i don't have to wait to tell someone off. I can just let it go. That's what the better person does. They don't need to seek revenge. Karma takes care of that all on its own. I am pretty sure he regrets letting me go. I was probably the best one he could have ever found. All I did was give and love. Giving and loving is the best medicine. I was the biggest cheerleader for him. For both of them. I wanted the best for Brent too. Anything he asked I gave. Anything he wanted or needed I was there for. I am better than what I ask from boys. I take what's left and don't complain as much as I should. That's what makes me better than any other girl. But it doesn't make me find the best guy. Only a complete douchbag would want a doormat of a girl. That's what I attract complete and otter douchbags. But I am in my head and in my mind over it. I realize that today when I didn't reach out to answer. I am okay with not answering. Who cares. That's what I did to Brent. I stopped answering. Started treating him like he treated me. He would go all crazy after an hour of nothing. When he could go days of not responding to me and call me crazy for just not chilling out. Whatever. I'm glad he's gone. But when it happened I fought it. Sometimes God tells you enough is enough. He will never put more than you can handle and maybe this guy and what he was about to do would have been more than I could handle. Same for Wray. I may not have been accepting when it happened but I'm okay with it now. I totally don't have to spend money I don't have and drive miles on my car anymore. I also know I am alive because he's not an active contribution to my life anymore.
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- CoDependent No More -
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Saturday, March 08, 2014
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I finally admit I am codependent. That I feel defeated, unlovable, need to be the caretaker, give more than I receive, and just allow others to use me as a doormat. My issue effects my relationships. I feel that I must find someone to care for and rarely accept those who reach out to care for me. I live happily in misery. That's the only life I felt I deserved. I was powerless over these feelings, I understand I must be uncomfortable in order to work through my recovery, and everyday will be a lesson I must work through.
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- Say Something -
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Friday, February 07, 2014
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I find myself sobbing again over my past. I have been listening to the song Say Something. The lyrics speak to me. I know in my heart I loved him. Regardless of what he really felt about me real or fake true or fictions I loved him. Loved him more than myself. I opened up every emotion, every insecurity, every accomplishment and triumph I shared with him. I realize that he's been gone for the length of time we were "together" but time only scars the brokenness can't put back together. I want to yell say something. I would have followed him anywhere to the end even if it meant the death of me. I loved so hard so crazy that the feelings overcome me. I am sorry I couldn't get over his wall couldn't climb the emotions he built so high. I wish him the best. Wanted to see him succeed. Listened to his dreams his fears and would have broke myself to make everything better. Every night I wished he'd touch me like I wanted to touch him, kiss me like I wanted to kiss him, held me as tight as I wanted to hold him, love me like I loved him. I was still learning to love just beginning to understand the complexities of it. I am so sorry for trying too hard, for showing more emotions than you were ready to see. I wanted you to know I was happy being near you and sad knowing I wasn't enough. I can't make you tell me the truth can't comprehend why bad intentions were prayed on me. But I loved and nobody can take that away. I may still cry at the death of us may still fall and try to pick up my broken pieces but I loved more than myself and that was worth this pain I still work through each day. I loved you and I'm saying goodbye. I'm sorry.....
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- Puppy Love -
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Saturday, April 20, 2013
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The greatest love of my life made me laugh everyday. My smile could light up an entire room. I miss my laugh...I miss my smile. Then I met him and he brought that laugh back...my smile. I look forward to everyday that I see him. Waking up next to him is the best morning of each day. I look forward to his voice. That silliness about him. I said that I love him. I said that I care for him... that everyday gets better. Everyday gets better. I laugh everyday now. I wonder how long this will last?
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- Be careful what you ask for -
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Sunday, January 13, 2013
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I got what I asked for... That commitment from the man who had everything I thought I needed...wanted. But everyday I'm sad. Everyday I miss him because he's always gone. Maybe I should have left before my heart was there. Maybe... But too late now. I'm there saying that I could love him that I see this as the last man in my life the one I'll grow old with. It's not his fault he travels for work. I'm selfish. I give him so much grief for something that's not in his control. I don't think he's happy either to never see me as much as either of us would like. So tonight I have to get control of my issues and not mess this up. He was there for me after my surgery and loving me despite what's ahead. I will say those three words to him someday because my heart feels it but my mind rationalizes the distance and how hard it is to be with somebody but not really see them...sucks
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- New Year...whatever -
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Saturday, December 29, 2012
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They say the new year means starting over...giving yourself a fresh start. I say the new year just becomes another year to repeat the same shit that got you this far. I figured by now my relationship status would have been updated, that I would be looking forward to that special someone kissing me at midnight. Yeah pipe dream. I am the same me and I have no plans to change it. I don't really give a damn to budge...they should do the budging. But that attitude is clearly why I stay single, why I hate looking for relationships, and why I would really be okay with not being in one ever again. But next year will be a little different. My hair will fall out, I'll loose weight without really wanting to, I may not see 2014. But then when is tomorrow promised to anyone? So why worry about shit you can't control? I still go to the gym everyday as if I'll see the next day. We all know if we knew we were not going to see the next day, I wouldn't be working out, eating right, or concerning myself with the budget. I'd spend every dime I had, play in the dirt, eat the riches foods I could tolerate, and satisfy every urge with a boy I felt like. I would live like it was my last day...
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- Insomnia Lives -
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Thursday, December 20, 2012
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Insomnia lives...I really need to sleep..nuff said...
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