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- A little reflection -
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Wednesday, May 23, 2007
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I took a good long hard look at myself and how I treat others. I realize that there are things about me that I love and things about me that I hate. I guess with anyone sometimes you have good days and then you have bad ones. Why am I all of a sudden getting a little hard on myself, well, I think I need to take more care of what makes me who I am and not compromise for anyone. I've decided to get back into the dating game again. Shocked? Yeah ofcourse that's why I'm having this conversation about reflection. I always get a little weird when I'm dealing with the opposite sex LOL. Well but get this, I'm not doing it the traditional way, nope I'm doing it though a dating service. So why am I so frustrated with myself today? Well because as always I have an issue with trusting people. Do I push them away when they reach out to me...yes!!!! I need to believe that good things will happen to me. That I am worth giving love and receiving it back. But what really frustrated me today was one of my matches, who I've been uninterested in from the very first conversation (something told me that we wouldn't work out) had this brutal and emotional conversation with me this evening. I went online to talk with someone else who I'm very interested in, but when he wasn't there as I thought he would be, I had what I thought would be a friendly conversation with the other guy. Now something told me to stay invisible online, but I thought maybe if I'm not invisible the other guy will know I'm online and will come talk with me. Well anyway he went on and on about how I wasn't understanding of his feeling, laying on the guilt really thick. Also blamed me for a lot of things that I should not have to apologize for. I shouldn't have to carry on the conversation only to get one word answers back. Those of you who know me, understand that I am very quiet and enjoy those who can talk my ear off. So to have someone just as quiet as me online was frustrating. Because I'm never quiet of shy of words in print, just in everyday conversation. I found myself giving answers to questions that I already answered. Found myself self-guessing my worth. And in the end I decided I wouldn't apologize anymore. I am who I am. I give to a point and then I want to receive the same courtesy back. I am looking for that special someone, but I will not compromise my values and my self awareness to get it. I love me-faults and all. The man I marry will need to feel the same about themselves and me. I am one who does not enjoy being around those who dwell in self-pity. I will give all the support and understanding that is needed to my partner. I've got a lot of love saved up in me that just wants to get out, but I refuse to have someone make me feel like crap for being honest about my feelings.
As always, take what you want and leave the rest.
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2 Comments:
Tell him to take a flying leap. Anyone who tries to guilt you and you aren't even dating needs to get lost... Are you using a local service? Ever tried eharmony or match.com?
And yes, I'm fine. Just a little blister.
yeah I'm using the eharmony site for now. Yep and you're right I put that to an end really quick. I have met a few good people on there so I can't totally knock it yet.
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